Depression is Stupid

My Journey Through Anxiety, Burnout, and Ketamine Therapy

I remember that it was at the University of Iowa. I think it was my senior year, perhaps 1991-92. I found my way into the university’s mental health clinic.

I remember my hands shaking.

I remember not being able to think or speak clearly.

I asked to see someone.

I was told that it would have to be by appointment, and the appointment would be next week.

I knew I couldn’t wait that long, and I told them.

Thankfully, they reassessed my disheveled state and found someone for me to speak with that day.

That was my first panic attack.

I’ve had a couple since then. One sent me to the hospital because it presented as a heart attack.

But the title says “Depression is Stupid,” not anxiety.

True.

True.

But these bad boys often travel in pairs. The CDC (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention) states, “1 out of every 6 adults will have depression at some time in their life,” and “Anxiety disorders often go hand in hand with depression.”

As of this writing, I am 57 years old. I have supposedly had at least low-grade depression since I was 17 or so.

I don’t know. I’ve been here the whole time, and my memory has never been great.

What’s the Point of This?

I’m not interested in validation or sympathy.

Receiving sympathy and validation actually makes me embarrassed. I don’t know why, but there it is.

What I am interested in is talking about depression and anxiety, dealing with them, and hopefully helping other people “clean house.”

I have never thought that this meat-suit we humans travel around in wasparticularly well thought out.

It’s embarrassingly easy to dismantle.

It’s child’s work to shut it down completely, and it’s damn near impossible to reset.

A factory reset is relatively unheard of.

These bodies succumb to all sorts of viruses that muck up the system. And the main programs running in the background to keep it going are susceptible to all sorts of chemical and environmental changes.

The hardware is sketchy, the software is buggy, and nobody has found a decent owner’s manual.

Cutting to the Chase: Ketamine Therapy for Depression

In the next few days, I will be attempting a factory reset of sorts.

The last month, for chemical and environmental reasons, has been bleared with some of the worst depression I have felt.

Coupled with work deadlines and rehearsing and performing one of the most difficult Shakespearean roles I have taken on, my fatigue has been crushing.

Between scenes during the performance, I have taken to just sitting and trying to recharge for the next scene.

All I want to do is sleep until the chemicals figure themselves out.

But I don’t have that luxury.

And the fantasy of sweet oblivion keeps peeking from the dark corners of what I call the wolf room (more on that later, perhaps).

My therapist suggested ketamine therapy. She said that I might have TRD: treatment-resistant depression.

Awesome!

So, ketamine therapy for depression is where I am headed.

The Past and Future Me

I have been on a variety of drugs in the last thirty-some-odd years.

They keep me from walking into the waves, but it feels like they also stunt my productivity, my emotional space, and whatever joy I might otherwise have open to me.

So, I figured that I will use this opportunity to keep a journal on my journey with this particular therapy.

I have heard and read a ton of great things about ketamine therapy—to the point it has a bit of a snake-oil feel to it.

Maybe that’s unfair.

Maybe that’s unjustified.

I don’t know yet.

What I do know it that I need something to break this cycle, because I don’t know how much more I can handle.

Starting My Ketamine Therapy Journey

In a few days, I'll begin ketamine therapy.

I'll document the process honestly—the good, the bad, and the weird.

If it helps, great.

If it doesn't, I'll write about that too.

Either way, this is where the experiment begins.

I’m not writing this as a medical expert—because I’m not one. I’m not offering ketamine therapy advice or telling anyone what treatment they should pursue. My degree is in teaching, not therapy.

So, if you are interested in my mental health journey, depression, anxiety, burnout, or experience with ketamine therapy…

Stay tuned.

And if not, I will still punctuate this blog with burbling and what-not.